2019-08-30

Sitting in the VIP tent, in dimly lit, surrounded by people, laughing, having fun, dancing, singing, flirting, carefree. Not worried about how sweaty they are or if their back fat rolls are showing. A guy just carried a girl past me, so effortlessly. Laughing at each other. Flirting.

And it hurt me I'll never know what it is like to be picked up and carried by a man.

My thoughts are consumed. I'm running scenarios in my head.

My number was spam.

He has a life that is so different from the one I knew. It hurts that I don't know. It hurts all around.

My eyes are watery. But I'm also crying. How many times have I done this? How many times will I?

I know who and what I am to other people.

I'm terrified I'll see* them. Him.

I can't get over this childish idea of being a subspecies.

When I was camming and people called me a BBW I'd lose my shit and run my mouth about how I'm a girl, no different from any other girl, not alone sub-genre of a female human.

*And as I closed this screen, one walked by me.

What have I done? I've closed the walls in on myself.